BravoSierra_Bravo's Datingish

Please, Men, Learn To Kiss

Sat, 25 Oct 2008 00:02:41 GMT

After making a careful survey, consisting of a number of men whose company I enjoy, I've come to the very sad conclusion that men just don't know how to kiss. Kissing is important, guys, and a really key part of convincing a girl that you're fun to be with.

What’s the key difference between those good-looking guys out there that aren’t getting any, and those rather plain guys that have several girls sighing and swooning after them? It’s pretty simple, the way I see it. It’s the kiss. It seems to me that guys either don’t know how to kiss, or just don’t care to do it right. Too many men seem to view the kiss as something on a checklist on the way to getting a girl into bed. Well, I’ve got news for you guys – the way you kiss can make all the difference between “Take me now” and “Take off, ya jerk.”

I guess I consider myself a bit of a kissing aficionado. I like kissing, and I like being well-kissed. Sadly, that doesn’t happen often. In the last two years, I’ve kissed eight men (and I won’t tell you how many before that). One was really good at kissing, and I could smooch with him for hours. Another was pretty good – I was really sad when our make-out session ended. All the other kisses were something I tolerated, even endured. One guy, I kid you not, had two steps – press open mouth to hers, stick tongue out as far as possible. Yuck! Trust me, the last thing a girl wants is somebody’s mushy wet open mouth laving drool all over her mouth and chin. Think about it - do you really want a woman to associate the words 'soft' and 'mushy' with you?

The first key to a good kiss is your attitude. The kiss is not some golden base to be raced to, but neither is it simply a minor step on the way to more. If done correctly, a kiss will send your lady’s heart racing, make her breath uneven, and have her dragging you to the bedroom. A kiss should never be rushed, and should never be just unloaded like a suitcase at the door. A good kiss will be an exercise in teasing – holding up the promise of that little bit more, until she’s practically begging for your touch.

Before your lips ever touch, take some time to build up to a good kiss. You don’t want to spring it on her like some unpleasantness to be gotten out of the way. The kiss starts with your hands, not your mouth. Touch her. Hold her hand. Rub her arm, if she likes it. Rub her shoulders, if she likes that. This gives you an excuse to be close to her, and leads her to anticipate your kiss. And don’t kiss her as soon as you think you can get away with it, or turn a quick hug into a guerrilla smooch. You’ll know when she’s ready – she’ll turn to face you, and perhaps bare her neck to you – that’s because she’s turning her head to an angle, even if she doesn’t know it. And she’ll lean toward you, trying to line it up. At least the first time, ignore it. Play with her hair or run your finger along her jawline. Move up close. If you’ll listen, her breathing will be shallow and quick, if she’s really concentrating on kissing you. Take a moment to enjoy the pleasant way she smells, or how soft the skin is on her cheek.

And whatever you do, don’t yet open your mouth. A proper kiss starts with lips closed, pursed even. There’s no reason it should start lip to lip, either. Remember appreciating the soft skin of her cheek? It’s soft because it’s meant to be kissed. The corner of her mouth is soft, too – kiss there. You’ve chased her to get to this point – let her chase you a little. Kiss anywhere except where she expects you to, at least three touches, maybe more. Then kiss lip to lip – and still with your mouth closed. There’s no hurry – eventually let your tongue steal out and just barely brush her lips. If she’s ready for a more open kiss, she’ll open and respond in kind. Let her invite you inside – don’t go barging in, guys – it’s not your house. And invite her to follow you back home, so to speak. There’s no bonus points for counting each others’ back teeth. Finesse is what it’s all about.

Now there’s some variation here that you have to consider. Some people prefer soft kisses, almost mushy. Warm and moist and soft, like pillows. Others lean toward tighter lips and firmer kisses, or somewhere between the two extremes. If you sense her lips getting really tight, you’re too mushy. And if she goes really soft, you’re probably so firm you’re hurting her. Adjust until you’re both on the same level. Everyone will have a difference place where they feel comfortable – every couple will be different.

Another thing to thing about ahead of time is taste. Everyone knows to avoid the onions before kissing. But don't just avoid a bad taste - go for the good taste! Try some chocolate, or some minty gum. One of the best kisses I ever experienced was with a man who was drinking red wine. I was drinking something else, and when I tasted him... mmm.... Go for a pleasant taste that contrasts nicely.

If you start your kiss with some anticipation, and build it slowly, paying attention to cues from her – short shallow breaths, trembling limbs, whatever – you’ll have her attention. Take the time to tease a little – hold back what she really wants for just a moment longer, kiss around her mouth, make her take the aggressive stance. If you’re having trouble being patient, make a competition of it – can you make her break it off first? If you can, she’ll be breaking it off to move on to more athletic activities.

Original Post

Why I'll be the Best 'Psycho' Ex-Girlfriend You've Ever Had!

Tue, 21 Oct 2008 20:44:48 GMT

I know that all your ex-girlfriends are 'psychos.' I've heard all about them since hardly a day goes by that you don't make some eye-rolling reference to 'that crazy bitch' who practically ruined your life and then went off and married some successful 'douchebag' leaving you to troll local college bars in search of no-strings-attached ass while she enjoys quiet weekends at home with her new in-laws in Connecticut. That selfish, cunt.

I know that you don't think I could ever be as good of a 'psycho ex' as she was. But, I assure you. I can. I'll be such a raving lunatic nutcase - you won't even remember her when I'm through with you. Try me.

For starters - I am great in bed. Isn't that how all the 'crazy' ones start out? You'll meet me at some party through some friend of a friend of a friend who knows I have 'whacko' potential but will fail to mention this to the chain of people through whom we are introduced because...quite frankly, our friends don't really care enough about either of us to keep our best interests in mind. Alternatively, they *do* have our best interests in mind but know that our dramatic personalities and overwhelming egos are forces too powerful for even the most friendly, logical advice. Thus, they abort all attempts to keep us apart and allow us to get drunk and grope each other publicly, shaking their heads all the while because..this shit is gonna' blow up big time.

Meantime, we'll already be upstairs, half undressed where you'll be too drunk to censor yourself so you'll make overly generous blubbering commentary about how 'sexy' I am (as I knock into a table lamp with swanlike grace). You'll also rave on and on about how I have the greatest tits you've ever seen and am 'fucking amazing' on all other fronts (as if I didn't know). Compared to the four other chicks you've banged, this will be the best sex of your life. And as soon as we're done, you'll start forming a mental list of which buddies you are going to text message first about this while at the same time wondering if you could possibly spend the rest of your life with me.

In the sobering light of morning, you'll forget that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me and instead opt for a "two-night stand" but you'll quickly realize that I am having none of that and somehow weasle my way into staying over, cooking breakfast and reading your newspaper. I will also have conveniently brought my toothbrush and some sanitary products which I quickly store in your bathroom cabinets since 'I'm going to be spending a lot of time at your place.' Your Maxim magazines will go from the top of the toilet to the bottom of the wastebasket because I find them 'offensive' and 'immature.'

Later that day, you'll log onto Facebook and find out that I'm 'in a relationship'...with you. Yay! At first, you'll think it's creepy but then (due to your inferiority complex) you'll take it as a compliment and change your relationship status too.

Within an hour, you'll receive 57 new notifications which indicate that I've commented on every photo in your album in which you appear with an unidentified female. Your relationships with these family members, college friends and co-workers will quickly disintegrate as you mistake my obsession for passion and declare your undying commitment to me and stop returning other people's calls.

Friends will caution you but you'll be too blinded by my mind-blowing felatio technique to notice anything. Besides, I've explained that they're just jealous of our love. Together, our poor self images will have us each convinced that the other is cheating. We'll fight about it all the time. Non-stop.

On our 'good days' we'll shower each other with undeserved gifts and sexual favors and the accusatory banter will be minimal - though still prevalent.

Things will be going 'pretty well' for a while until one night your phone battery dies and you fall asleep early - forcing me into an incoherent panic. Six unreturned voicemails and text messages will lead me to believe only the worst - you ARE cheating on me! To confirm my suspicions, I will immediately log into all your personal accounts - since you are so technologically oblivious you left your passwords saved on my computer - and find a message to be mad about. It will likely be a harmless flirtation from a platonic friend who lives six states away that pushes me over the edge.

Unable to reach her or you - I will scramble into my car and drive barefoot to your apartment where I will ride up on the curb knocking over an unsuspecting potted plant. The commotion outside will rouse you from your slumber and you'll stumble bleary- eyed to the window just in time to see me throw the car in reverse and plow into your beloved Huyndai Elantra.

In short order, the police will come, I will cry, you will shout, your landlord will evict you and your insurance company will drop you.
On the bright side, our names will be forever emblazoned together onto a county police report.

Despite all this, it will take another several months for you to come to your senses and break-up with me. Knowing that I am a ticking bomb, you will execute this in the kindest, most reasonable way possible. You will make every effort to lift my spirits by explaning that "It's not you, it's me." and that "I deserve someone better."

All this, to no avail. The only way you can truly be rid of me is to change your phone number and move across the country where you'll make new friends and find a new insecure girlfriend to emotionally abuse for months until she finally reaches her psychological breaking point and throws a wine glass at you and storms out of a restaurant.

Everyone will be looking at you, dripping in Pinot Noir with an astonished look on your face. In your head you'll be thinking, "Ha. That was nothing. You should see my Huyndai Elantra."

And, that, is why I'll be the best psycho ex-girlfriend you've ever had.

Original Post

Just fucking fuck me, already.

Tue, 21 Oct 2008 11:59:34 GMT

Dear Men of Craigslist,

Look, I know you men have it difficult. Women are just about impossible to understand, much less please. In a post-feminist society, you never know exactly what you should be doing. Women are bloody picky, I know we are. It can be scary, too, when women freak out about what appear to be benign issues. And men who do their best to be respectful, female-positive humans, I salute you, I do.

But please, please just fuck me already. Honestly, I appreciate your thoughtfulness. I like that you want to take things slow. I can totally get behind the idea of emotional connection, but dearjesusinheaven, FUCK ME. We've done dinner and drinks. We've gone dancing. We've cuddled and watched a movie. I'm wearing a low cut shirt and you've been staring at my breasts all night. Goodgodalmighty, get to it and fuck me.

When we get hot and heavy, please take charge. Please, please fuck me. Trust me, I'm not going to just lie still - I'll get involved. But don't make me force your hand into my panties. That makes me feel like a rapist. We've been kissing for a half hour and your hand keeps grazing my ass. That's nice, but it's time to move forward. Get on top of me. Don't make me get on top right out of the gate and start bobbing up and down on your cock like I'm practicing some crazy new aerobic yoga because YOU won't go down on me. Roll on top and start dry humping like a good boy should. Don't gently suck my nipples and then pull back when I moan with pleasure. You being coy is totally not what I want. It's not what WE want.

OK, I know it's scary. There are lots of women out there who make fucking really difficult. So, I have compiled some handy tips. Don't think of this as complaining, or as schadenfreude for the Andrea Dworkins of the world. Just some simple tips, for timid men who have forgotten what it means to fuck like men:

1. Taking charge is not bad. Oh, there will be some women who feel that you are pushy. If you are making out with a woman, and she starts to push back, ask nicely if things are moving too fast. If she says yes, say something like "I'm sorry - you just look so fucking delicious. I'll go slower." Otherwise, skillfully move forward. If you start kissing a woman, and she responds well, and before long, you're both on the floor with her skirt pushed up, and you on top of her, it's not the time to roll onto your back and start awkwardly stroking the top of her head. Seriously, grow a goddamn pair. YOU'RE the man. Act like one.

2. Ohmyfuckinggod, please learn to respect the clit. It's different for every woman, so ask what she likes. Do not, I repeat, do not just wiggle your fingers around her pussy like you're trying to tickle her. Do not drum your fingertips against her vulva like you are impatiently waiting at the Sears Tire Center for your receipt. Do not push the clit like it is a doorbell at some house that you need to get inside of. Start by using all four fingers with firm yet gentle pressure against the outside of her pussy. Do not charge in with a single finger and start jabbing at things. And if you really don't know what to do, ask her. Just ask. "How do you like it?". It's a simple question, and most women will answer straight out. If she's being all coy, ask "Do you like pressure? Is it sensitive?" The clitoris is a varied item, indeed. Treat each one as though you have never encountered one before. Forget everything that your last partner liked.

3. Most women like to be fucked, and fucked well. Yes, there are women out there who want to "make love" every time - sweet, gentle, rocking love with lots of eye contact and loving kisses. Those women are not the majority. The majority like to be pounded. The majority like to have their hair pulled. The majority like a good, solid jackhammering. When a woman is bucking wildly against you, it's not because she wants you to pull back and slowly swirl your cock around her vagina like you're mixing a cake batter up there. It's because she wants you to hold down her arms, or grab her hips, or push her legs above her head, and fuck her harder. Don't be too afraid of what this means as far as gender equality goes - I am a raging feminist bitch, but I still want to be penetrated like you are planning on fucking my throat from the inside out.

4. A little roughness is nice. Do not pretend that you had no idea that some women like their hair pulled. Do not act shocked if she wants you to spank her ("Really? Spanking? Won't it hurt?" - yes, it does. That's the fucking point). We know you've read Stuff and Maxim, and that's all those laddie mags talk about in their "How to Please Her" sections. Start with light, full handed smacks to the area of her ass that she sits on. Judge her response and continue on from there. You don't have to bend her over one knee and tell her she's a naughty girl and that Daddy's going to punish her; save that for the fifth date. Women are less delicate than you think, so don't worry about breaking her hip.

5. It's OK for you to make noise. Otherwise, we feel like we are fucking a ninja. Unless you actually are a ninja, and have sneaked into our rooms with vibrating nanuchaku and zippered black pajamas, please, please make some noise. If you're banging a woman, and she's crying out and saying your name and moaning, and you can't even manage a grunt, she's going to feel like an idiot. You don't have to make the sounds she is making, but do SOMETHING. You know how when you are watching porn, and the girl does something great to the guy and the guy kind of goes "Ah!", half grunt, half yell? That's HOT. Do that. Whisper our name (assuming you know it) gruffly. Groan against her neck when you're in missionary position. You don't have to grunt like a mountain gorilla, but if you are totally mute, she's going to get worried.

6. Most women like dirty talk, in addition to the grunting. If you'd like to get some dirty talk going, ask her if she likes the way you fuck her. If she responds well, continue with something like, "I love fucking you. God, you look so fucking hot." Is she still moaning in response? "Your tits are so beautiful." Does that work? If she doesn't respond well to the term "tits", you might have to stop there. If she keep moaning or responding, pass Go and collect $200. Try the following:

"Oh, god. Your pussy is SO tight."
"You're so wet - are you wet because you like the feel of my cock ramming you?"
"I think I'm going to come inside you. I'm going to fill up your little cunt." It doesn't matter that you're wearing a condom; we LOVE hearing this.

If all of those work, you can then progress to things like "sexy little bitch" and "dirty whore". Tread carefully, but please, tread. Do not tiptoe. Do not sit down. Charge.

7. You're not obligated to eat a woman out. In return, she's not obligated to choke on your dick. Don't skip one and expect the other. If you do eat a woman out, the only comment you should make about her pussy is how nice it is. The length of her labia minora, the color of her interior, her waxing job or full bush - you are not John Madden. No time for color commentary.

8. Do not bitch about condoms. Oh, we hate them. Trust us. They hurt us more than they hurt you. But we don't want to be preggers, and you don't want to catch anything, right? Don't whine about condom sex. Do not explain that you can't come with one on. LEARN to come with one on, or if not, help us figure out what to do with you once we're satisfied and it's time for you to let loose your load.

9. We really like it when you come. It's called a money shot for a reason. Watching semen shoot out of you is one of the most gratifying things EVER. However, do not assume that she wants you to jack it off onto her face. She might, but don't assume. Seeing and/or feeling you come is rewarding for us, so there's no need to deprive us of it, but please do consult us before unleashing. "I think I'm going to come - how do you like it?" is a fair question that shouldn't rob you of your testicles.

In recent memory, I've been fucked by a very aggressive, manly guy, and I've been... well, fucked is the wrong term here. I've been penetrated by a total and utter wuss. Who am I going to run back to when I'm ready for my fill? Manly McHardon, that's who. ----------------------------------------------------

*New point of clarification - some people have brought up some really great issues in response to this post, so let me say this: I don't mean to imply that all women like to be treated like whores. I do mean to say that most women I know have told me that they like sex rougher than most men give it to them. Rough does NOT equal chains and bondage. And this applies to the bedroom only, and does not mean that she wants you to choose her dinner for her, or treat her like less of a person. **Some women have said that they don't like it rough and what the hell am I thinking? Well, girls, you're in the minority. HOWEVER, all women need to remember that, in addition to be straight forward about your sexual desires, you need to be straight forward about your sexual limits. Don't be afraid to ask for more, but when something feels wrong, say so. Don't ever do something you don't want to do in silence and then blame the guy. Silence is dangerous.

Original Post

Hello

Tue, 15 Jul 2008 22:38:11 GMT

Hmm. Life is tough. Sometimes you need to give a break to get a break.

So I guess you all better start giving.

Till next time.